Egg-Nog & Child Brides!!

At last, the heddy whiff of egg-nog and mendacity has finally cleared and here we are, newly washed up on the Virgin Shores of 2012. Halls, just recently bedecked in holly and a various assortment of tacky & garish tat, have been returned to their former state of woodchipped dreariness. The gloomy streets are now a graveyard for discarded Norwegian Spruce. Enough paper to giftwrap the entire world ten times over is currently being stuffed into landfill sites up and down the breadth of the country and ignored by a vast hungry army of herring gulls more interested in what little meat still clings to the festering carcasses of 25 Million turkeys. Chrimbo is officially over. Thank Christ!....or maybe it is we should blame the sandal wearing, beardy one for kick-starting all this mallarkey in the first place!! Yet no-one chooses the bed they're born in and it wasn't him who settled on the barn and the whole swaddling thing with cattle troughs and those three weird geezers from bugger knows where bearing a right load of old crap that would have been of no use whatever to a blubbering infant and his exhausted mother.....and let's not forget strange objects moving through the sky and those useless bloody shepherds deserting their flocks! And if all that wasn't enough, the proud new parents had to fill out a census form at the same time!! Damn those pesky Roman invaders and their armies of faceless pen pushers but who knows what they put in the space marked 'Father'! If Yosef had any lingering suspicions of his 13 year old missus doin' the dirty on him he barely had time to voice them before King Herod's ethnic cleansing squads were trawling the dusty streets of Beit Lahm looking for newborns to slaughter. These roving hitmen little realised that one day the town would have a Muslim majority and it would be twinned with Glasgow!! Meanwhile Yosef n his Darling Child Bride Maryam had no sooner finished with the formalities of the Brit Milah (ie; seperating the 8 day old lad from his foreskin & naming him Yesua) than they had to load up the family donkey and hot-foot it to Egypt to escape the unwarranted attentions of said Death Squads. Here they existed on a diet of falafels & eish masri whilst they waited for Herod to pop his clogs so that they could return home to Al Nasira and Yosef could take up his old trade of chippying. Nowadays, a joiner running away with a 13 year old girl who's just popped a sprog in the backstreets of some Provincial shithole of a town only to be informed that it's not his would be the stuff of tabloid outrage and the snooty expostulations of ruddy-faced Tory toffs twatting on about benefit fraud & the Decline of the West! As for using this woeful tale to start a new religion professing Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all men...Puh-Leeze!! But it's a rum-do sure enough and there's no accounting for just how wacky this goofy old world can be! So here's tae Chrimbo....and we've not even mentioned jollicose old geezers in red, fur-trimmed suits and flying f*****g reindeer!!!...or Chimneys.... or Sleighs... or elves.... or grottoes.... or hooses at the f*****g North Pole for f***'s sake.....!!!!