Robert Burns : Rock n Roll Animal!

It's that time of year again, folks. The time when the S T O n e d H O L y b L o G g e R reminds aw you Cyberdarlings (or at least that portion of yiz amongst the teeming multitudes of the blogosphere who have blundered their way onto these exalted pages!)  that the birthday of Robert Burns, late of Ayrshire, Scotland, will soon be upon us. It's the 25th January when yiz aw need tae get the whisky bottle oot and raise a toast tae Rantin' Robbie!!! So keen am I tae draw yir attention to this impending anniversary that I am here, sitting in the Cramped n Chilly confines of the computer suite at
S t o n e d H o l y H Q, hammerin' awa at the keyboard on a Saturday night, when any other self-respecting Rock n Roll Animal worthy of the name wid be oot on Cuban Heels, Scavenging & Scouring the Skirted Streets seeking out Raw Flesh & Live Heat!!! Fie, even the Bardie himself would surely be one of them!

*    *    *   *    *   *    *

But here I am ; caged within the Hallowed & Hushed Halls of  R O l l e R C e N t R a l, 
the indifferent S t o n e d H o l y W a l l s flickering in the glow from the computer screen, writing this garbage for the elucidation of  Virtual Loons n Quines! By rights, I should be spending my evening entertaining several delightfully upholstered nubiles, keen to show their appreciation of my S T o N e d h O l y g E N i U s by enveloping my dulled senses in Sumptuous & Voluptuary excess! Oh, such a Realm of Fleeting Pleasures to be abandoned to! Yes, I know, Sex without Love IS an empty experience.....but as empty experiences go (and there are many in this meagre & pitiable world) it's one of the best!!

*    *    *    *    *    *    *

A fact, I'm sure, that would not have been lost on Robert Burns : For although he was a man of Prodigous Poetic Capabilities and a man firmly engaged with the Political Upheavals and Intellectual Altercations of his age, a man possessed of Easy Charm & Wit, he was a man also, who liked nothin' better than tae Cock Up his Beaver and loosen his breeks tae gie the Bonnie burdies a treat!! Though undoubtedly one who relished the pleasing company of rosy cheeked lovelies as a way to fill his hours and afford him the opportunity to display his breadth of learning, a means whereby he could show off his dazzling rhyme makkin skills....ahm pretty damn sure he liked it even better when the jades bade him lift up their petticoats and lug oot his pintle!!

*    *    *    *   *   *    *

I here recommend yi hunt doon a copy of "The Merry Muses of Caledonia." for the collected Smut & Bawdy Verse of Burns and a Joyous & Jovial Jaunt in Rhyme through the World of Fornication. 'Say, Puritan, can it be wrong, tae dress plain truth in witty song?'  asks the frontispiece and what follows is guaranteed tae put a smirk on the most door of faces. Here's wee sample tae whet yir appetite;

O gin a Body meet a Body comin thro the rye

Gin a body fuck a Body, Need a Body Cry!

Gin a body meet a Body comin thro the Glen

Gin a Body fuck a Body, Need the Warld ken!

Gin a Body meet a Body comin thro the Grain

Gin a Body fuck a Body, cunt's a Body's ain!

*    *    *    *    *   *   *

Awright, cyberpeepers, ahv said ma piece. Ah'll leave the rest to you. Meanwhile, here's a doff o the cap and a raising o a glass tae Robert Burns (1759 - 1796), a real Rock n Roll Animal & a real gone..... 

S t O N e D H o l y r O L L E r! 

Avanti Popolo!!

A V A N T I   P O P O L O ! !  These are the stirring first words of the famous Italian workers anthem 'Bandiera Rosso.'  And the sentiment is surely one to stir the blood as we hapless though not entirely hopeless layabouts here at  S t o n e d H o l y   H Q  lurch somewhat gingerly into 2013!!.....and Yes, the days, though short, grow longer! The sap is indeed rising within these Pop-Slop Veins.....(although it's efficacy therein is counteracted somewhat by a Roman Catholic education and the many harsh lessons wrought and sexual failures incurred in the course of our dreary years of Pop-Slop Failure!! All of which bitter recollections serve to remind me that it was Bill Withers who pointed out "you sure do become attractive when you have a hit record"!!)

But, Ladies n Gentlemen, there is indeed LIFE in these Old Pop-Slop Dogs yet!! It's true, Ronnie Dawson's Bones ain't been doin' a Whole Lotta Shakin' themselves recently, but we've still got him on the S t o n e d H o l y R o c k O l a  at 45 r.p.m loudly proclaiming"There's still a Lotta Rhythm in these Rockin' Bones"....so if that don't get ya Movin' & Groovin' then yi must be deader than Ronnie!!

Dismal Experience tells us it's foolhardy, I know, but for now, as we stride forth into the New Year from out of  the Hallowed Portals of S t o n e d H o l y H Q our demeanour is positively chirpy!! We must admit though, to our High Spirits being literally dampened a little by the want of a good, stout pair of Boots!!! The S t o n e d H o l y S p i r i t  is willing but the Wet Feet & Chilblains are weak!!!

No doubt Navy Manners aboard the Good Ship Blighty  in the 21st century - ie : being routinely keel-hauled at the Job Centre plus ; being hung from the highest yardarm for raiding yir youngest's piggy-bank for a few Pieces of Eight tae keep the motor running ;  walking the plank on a diet of beans on toast and hard tack ; and being remorselessly lashed by the Cat o' Nine Tails and any number of caterwauling & talentless teenage bimbos and young men who need their trousers pulled up! - will soon chip away at our chipper disposition but for now we remain buoyant! If it wiznae for the Grog and the right to Self-Medicate I don't know what we'd do!!

No doubt the Soulless & Enervating smiles of  Top Twots, Messrs. Cameron & Osborne, and indeed the whole Pernicious & Corrupting Business of Politics and Governance of Her Majesty's Sinking Ship Great Britain will soon hasten the restoration of the
S T O n e d H o l Y B l o g g E r ' s  default setting of Stinging Rancor &
World Weary Cynicism!!

It is given to some lucky souls to play out their lives upon the grand stage of Revolution where Ferment and Insurrection are heady in the air ; A Monumental Theatre wherein their walk-on-parts and asides are woven into the very Fabric of History....but not so the
S T O n E d H o L y b l o G G e r !  I find myself bobbing aimlessly in fouled waters surrounded by Capitalist Pirates, Free Market Sharks and endless fukn episodes of 'Grand Designs' on More4 and adverts for reclaiming PPI.......

Sometimes Davey Jones' Locker doesnae half look inviting!!!!

Make mine a Rum, Barman! AAAARRRRRR!!!

Happy New Year Cyberpeople!!