CRAZY ARMS

Yes, I know, I said I wisnae poppin' ma Stoned Holy Heid above the parapet until Chrimbo had shot it's materialistic bolt or fizzled oot in a dyspeptic and alcoholic fug but the snell blasts of December have blown in some Blue Notes & Black News for aw us hiding oot n cloistered here at Stoned Holy HQ! Sad Tidings not Glad Tidings!
Not 'A King is Born' but 'A King is Dead! Ray Price, King of the Honky Tonks is Deid!!

I was loathe tae emerge frae under the Stoned Holy Bedspread this morning, detecting a distinct chill in the air, not by reading the plummeting thermometer but by the tried n tested methodology of stickin' a foot out of the aforementioned bedpsread's cosy embrace..but Ray Price is Deid!..so Ah felt obliged tae haul ma sorry carcass up outta bed just so as I could pen a few lines : not to mourn his passing - we aw peg oot eventually after all! - but to salute the man and his music, which has a hallowed berth in the cockles of the Stoned Holy Heart and on the Stoned Holy Juke-Box!!

Ahm no here, people, tae tell yi how he boarded n boozed wi Hank Williams and, after life had leaked out of Hank in the back of the cadillac on Highway 31, he inherited his band The Drifting Cowboys and blah blah blah.....or detail how Ray Price took country music by the scruff of it's red n sunburnt neck and rocked it like never before with a beat they called The Ray Price Shuffle....or tell of how he then went on to redefine Country Music for a second time with the orchestral arrangements of 'Countrypolitan'.....no, ahm just here tae doff ma hat in acknowledgement of a Stoned Holy Roller gone before us; a man who's place at the very top o the heap in the midden that is Country Music has been unjustly filled by the likes of  the pompous showbiz excess of Garth 'too fat to fly' Brooks or the ridiculous mythologising, nay canonisation, surrounding Johnny 'flat as a pancake' Cash !! Not good enough tae shine Ray's cowboy boots, neither of them!!

Anyway, being an avowed atheist, this small tribute shall be free of claptrap about how he's gone to a better place or he's looking down on us from Hillbilly Heaven - I'll leave those cliches tae others. It matters not a jot that Ray Price is singing with the angels. But, please join us, here at  Stoned Holy HQ, in raising a glass tae a man who's contribution to Country Music, the true Red Dirt Soul of America, is immeasurable. Let's remember Ray at his very best, with the Cherokee Cowboys behind him and that big, booming baritone singing songs of heartbreak and longing like few others before or after!! "Now Blue Ain't the Word for the Way that I Feel...."


 

Ray Price 1926 - 2013

B is for....BOZO!!!

Yes, I know I'm supposed to be in Self-Imposed Hibernation, tucked safely away from the Multitudinous Irritants & Botherations that constitute so much of 21st Century Living, in the innermost recesses of the Stoned Holy Penthouse......but I have been Disturbed from my Stoned Holy Dozings, Stirred from these Stoned Holy Snoozings after being irked by the Blundering Bombast of London's own Bungling Bozo, Boris Johnson! For the Bungling Buffoonery of this Blabbermouthed Baboon has been causing a Brouhaha!!

"The Forces of Evil in a Bozo Nightmare"

But just where do you start with a Brainless Bonehead like Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson? One wonders firstly how on God's Good Earth it was ever made possible for this village idiot of a man to have become the Mayor of London! In the Blue-Rinsed & Blue Rosetted Ranks of the Conservative Party it is believed it is because he has 'the common touch', charisma even, and this could also guarantee them success in the polls if he were party leader and subsequently - Heaven Help Us! - Prime Minister; The
S t O n E d h o l Y B l o g g Er, on the other hand, believes this is the kind of fucked up Frankenstein scenario created by the naivety and credulity of a politically unsophisticated and aliterate populace! Recognition of Boris the Bungling Blockhead from off the telly must have counted in his favour when it came time to voting against the congestion charge!!....there can be no other plausible explanation, surely!


But just this week Boris has been opening the yawning black cavern that is his mouth and letting the empty chamber that exists within his brain-casing reverberate in this year's Annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture (heaven forbid that such an aberration exists but, I'm saddened and appalled to report, it seems 'tis so!!). And, it was here, that Boris the Bozo told us all that 'Greed is Good' again and we shouldn't be ashamed of it. Everyone knows it's the only motivator of mankind that cuts the monetary mustard! So, all you budding Gordon Gekkoes out there, time to emerge from those boardrooms where you've been skulking and flash it n flaunt it.....this will engender envy which will be the spur of more enrichening economic activity!! And, what's more, inequality in society merely mirrors the inequality of Nature - so no need to worry about all them poor, stupid people who can't pass an IQ Test or remember the way to the Job Centre!  All those thick, stupid oinks with IQ's below 85 at the bottom of the Great Cornflakes Packet of Society (to use Boris' rather confused metaphor) should be ever so grateful for the crumbs of largesse tossed their way by the bright, intelligent ones (like him presumably!) who people the shining Palaces of Banking & Business within the City of London. These people create wealth don't you know...and then it trickles doon tae the reaches of where us poor bottom-feeders, writhing in the uneducated, proletarian ooze, can suck it up and take the bus to the nearest food-bank!

Bunkum! Balderdash!! Bollocks!!! 

Can this Burly, Braying Ass really believe his Brand of Bumbling Bumptiousness can deliver the keys to Number 10?!?! Can this Eton educated chump's flaxen topped excuse for a head really be so far up his Fat, Stinking, Tory Shit-Pipe that he fails to see he's doing a better job than the Labour Party in exposing what a Morally Bereft & Ideologically Bankrupt Bunch of Bastards he and his Party of Elitists and Self-Serving Money-Grubbers really are?!?! Ah, such is the nature of Hubris!! No wonder then that the Towering Intellects that make up the Cabinet are already distancing themselves from his comments. Perchance some Intellectual Giant has already taken this loathsome oaf aside and informed him quietly that IQ tests prove nothing other than how good you are at IQ tests!!

Perchance in some Parallel Universe, where the Laws of Reason & Rationality hold sway, the shameful inequalities created by a system built on Exploitation, Greed and Profiteering and bolstered by an education system fed on Wealth, Class and Privilege simply don't exist and the good peoples who are fortunate enough to live in this happy dimension never have to listen to the Barefaced Belchings of idiots like Boris 'Bobo' Johnson, or watch in disgust as he puffs out his chest and Blatantly displays his Infantile and Sordid Ambitions!! If this is so, the S t o n e D H o l Y B l o G G e r can only damn his accursed luck for existing in the universe where this moron was, no doubt, applauded by his audience for his lamentable Hee-Hawings!!

Well, now that that's off ma chest....I guess it's time to retreat once more from the Vagaries & Vulgarities....oh goodness, I see lights a-twinkling and hear sleigh bells a-jingling......oh, is that the sound of Roy Wood & Noddy Holder on a fukn loop-tape?!?! Time tae duck doon the alleyway lookin for a new friend...or jump doon a manhole n light masel a candle........ you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows ahm reliably informed!  Ahm outta here.......until next time, Lads n Lassies!!